Crossroad

Lonely and alone I stand and ponder

At the crossroads of my life

What is my destiny to be

Which is the path I must lead?

Killing the bugs buzzing around

Thinking of their pointless existence

I sit and ponder

Am I one of them?

Watching the cars go by

Feeling the sun shine

The trees dance and the birds sing

I think “Can I be as happy as thee?”

Looking back I reminiscence

The mistakes I committed

The choices I made

The vision I chose to destroy

Is this where I want to be

At this crossroad

Lonely and alone

I don’t know, I don’t know

The Terrible Two

"Its them..." all the children say in half terror when they notice two small, lean figures moving towards them. But that does not stop them from mocking these two five year olds. For these two were not like them. They were different in their appearance, dress up, accent, color and even spoke a totally foreign language! They were like aliens from some far off planet. And just like any pack of untamed animals all the children were pretty much hostile towards the two. Do not make the mistake of considering these solitary souls as weak and helpless, for this mistake wrought havoc that day onto the pack of children who tried to mock these two.

By now you must have guessed that one of the two was me. The other was my best friend at that time, Utkarsh. He and his family used to live with us when we were in Kerala. My dad and his dad were running the business together along with my uncle. All together we were one big happy family. We went on vacations to various exotic destinations all over the south - Thekkady, Munnar, Ooty, Kodai etc etc every three months. It was a very happy time. I spent every vacation with my most favorite people in the whole wide world. What more could a guy ask?

Now coming back. Me and Utkarsh were enrolled in BVB - a nice CBSE school filled with happy little mallu children with coconut oil and their cute little mallu smiles. Now me and Utkarsh being the only Gujju's in the whole school obviously stood out. We did not know the language, nor did we even minutely resemble anyone or anything that can be found in malluland. So inevitably we were the OUTKASTS. But that did not trouble me or him for we had each others company and that was enough to get us through. The trouble for us did not end there, we were mocked and ridiculed by all. But do not start pitying us yet.

For for every sentence of mockery uttered by the mallu kids there wz hell to pay. We charged at them and then gave them a pounding of a lifetime. Together we were an unbeatable force. Nothing lasted in front of us. We fought with such passion and vigor that all that the hapless mallu's could do was cry and run to their Mama. The main reason for such power was our unity. The mallu's though a huge majority were more or less divided and didnt understand the idea of deep friendship and what one true friend can do for another. We understood this at such a young age. Parents of the beaten up children used to come to school to check out this insidious duo. But, Alas! This duo lasted only a year.

Utkarsh's parents could not quite adjust in Kerala and Utkarsh left along with his parents. I was left alone. It felt as if my beacon of light was taken away and I was left to face this terrible darkness all alone. It felt as if I was lost in the jungle with wild animals all around me waiting to rip me apart. If you think that "Okay, he's done for..." WRONG AGAIN!!!

Even after Utkarsh left I was strong enough to fend for myself. Children still got beaten up but less often now, parents still complained and my school hours were extended. I was in detention everyday for the next few YEARS. I was also placed on a solitary bench in the classroom. They did everything humanely possible to curb me and make me just like the other students - an obedient little mouse. But I abashed all their efforts. I was good to people who were good to me. And I was pretty much cruel to people who were not. I shall tell you of one of my antics which was conveniently reminded of by the victim itself a few years back. It was lunch time and I was eating my food. This dude comes out of nowhere and tells me that my food looks like shit and starts mocking my accent. By this time I had finished my lunch. I took my steel lunchbox and smashed it on his face. He broke two of his front teeth which were anyways dangling. So in a way I did a favor for him, wont you say? Pretty gruesome, you'd say. But trust me when you are alone in a classroom where you dont understand the language and when people treat you differently you can become pretty violent, especially if you have the guts and the power.

So this was my early school life. I was very good in academics and sports(the only period of my life). Believe it or not I won all the races until 1st STD and I came in the Top 3 in class until 6th. But hey, everyone has their downfall. I shall write later about my middle school life. Till then...Chow!

My Reminiscences - I

One of my esteemed friends pointed out that my blogs were more like essays and that I should write about my own life or something that is at least mildly interesting. So, considering his advice, I thought of writing an actual blog. I am going to write about my earliest memory. I am not sure of the date or even all the details. But this is the earliest thing I can remember about my life.

I must be around 1-2 years old. I remember my first house. It was out in Trichur, Kerala. It was in Poonkunam area of the town. The entrance was a rusted iron gate leading to a pink bunglow. There were moses and lichens on the boundary walls. There was a shaded car park and to its left the entrance to my house. There were 2-3 bedrooms in the entire house. But I think we only ownd the bottom floor with 1 bedroom and kitchen. The house was very simple. Its windows were grilled with long and thin iron rods. I remember only one more clearly than the rest as it was facing the road. Opposite my house was a bus stand where a lot of people could be found in the mornings and evenings otherwise it was usually empty. I used to watch the buses come and go by sitting at the window ledge. My mom used to put me there when she had work in the kitchen. But I usually got bored very fast. And I ended up in the kitchen again in a matter of few minutes. I was not a mischievous kid. Actually, I was a very serene child. I was a bit plump with huge cheeks and long curly hair. Nose was kind of flat and small. Eyes were small, like my mums. And I was pretty fair. All in all I was a cute baby. But its kind of stupid to say that, after all, all babies are cute.

I remember very well that my mum used to wear saris in those days. And that dad and Ravi Kaka were much thinner. We had a house maid, Radha. She used to play with me a lot. I learned to eat Chaas Baath through her. My mum used to play with me too. Dad and Ravi Kaka, I am not too sure. I also remember spending a lot of time with my aunty-Anu when I was a baby. She used to take lice out of my hair every sunday.

There used to be a Union Workers office opposite my house. I used to see stout dark men with Blue shirts and Pink Lungi's. All of them were my friends. I used to go there regularly. I guess I must be 3 by then. They used to be damn friendly and all. But I was always amazed at how much time they had. They would sit there the whole day. It was only later that that I understood that such was the nature of their "work".

There is nothing much I can remember beyond this. Other than a small accident I had when I tried to imitate my dad shaving and cut myself with the razor and once when my family was going for a holiday they forgot me in the house. And I was merrily playing until they suddenly remembered that they forgot an important "baggage" and came back.

Well, these are my earliest memories. Its like a movie with a very bad print. I cant seem to remember much. Just the little things. I remember some more, but it would be pointless to write it down as they were little jokes and games that I shared with these people at those times. I just thought I'd start of with my earliest memories. Next time I'll write about the stuff that really mattered. Until then, Aidios Amigos...

Mugg It Up!

"Mug it up"-Our educational system's ultimate motto. Millions of students follow this motto with infallible faith. All trying to progress and reach the title of the ultimate mugger. I myself was part of this- Mug Till You Die - system. Though my passing was rather peaceful, I have certain resentments. Some things could have been changed, some rules bent, some policies could have been made more malleable which could have made my journey through this period not only interesting and exiting but also more productive. We all could be living quite different lives. We could have been doing things that we truly WANT and not the things that have been thrown to us as scrap. We could have unleashed our true potential. We could have reached goals that we now deem unassailable. We could have, we should have, we did not. But, we still can.

By now you must have realized that I am going to propose a change in the educational system. But first I must justify my cause. Our system stresses on word to word definitions, theories, dates and names rather than ideas, experiments and free thinking. They continue teaching us age old discarded ideas with unrelenting diligence rather than bringing us up to date with its present applications and helping us understand its impact. Perhaps, the biggest flaw is that they consider Extra-Curricular activities as Extra-Curricular activities. Our system has trampled the free mind and proliferated the Muggers. It forces the students into pools of books and subjects that may mean nothing to them. What would a Artist make use of Biology or Mathematics? What would a Doctor make do of History? But, still I am not that against the teaching of all such subjects as I am on their complete ignorance on the importance of "extra-curricular" as I believe time spent on acquiring any time of knowledge is not a lost cause. Also their entire idea of literally putting up boards of "NO TRESPASSING" and "BEWARE OF FAILURE" for field experiments is also a major flaw that nobody seems to correct. How can we ever understand the practical applications if we never see it made and worked in practical life? Our system may argue "Students who are truly interested would do it all by themselves..." Well, my dear educational system, is your aim to provide education at all levels to all children for practical life or is it to just teach the truly interested students? And have you considered the possibility that some students might be interested in fields that you do not provide any assistance in? And isnt it our country's idea to give education to all students in all walks of life? If you still stand steadfast to your views then I suggest you change your name from Educational System to Muggers World.

Now for my proposed changes. I am not saying that this SHOULD be the change, rather this COULD be the change is my view. Someday, I'd like to see the reforms of educational system kept up on the net just like like an open source software with the source code available to everyone so that everyone can make a contribution in the required change.

• Languages, Mathematics and Sciences should remain mandatory till grade 8 for they give us an idea of what we want to be in the mainstream world. We can pursue the subject of our interest and finally choose our career.
• An extra subject should be added from grade 1 in the mainstream studies covering Arts including Music, Drama, Creative Writing etc. It should be made as important as the mainstream subject. The students in their first 4 years should be given a basic understanding of the arts and from grade 5 they should make a choice.
• Sports should also be mandatory at least 3 times a week. And all students must be encouraged. Students who can make a choice early choice of which sports they want to play should be allowed to do so and for those who cant all help should be provided. We must work assiduously to maintain the physical well being of all students.
• After 8th students should be allowed to choose the subjects of their choice from ninth. These can include anything from Economics to Physics, History to Biology etc. The students should take up a minimum load of 5 subjects and maximum load of 7 subjects. The students themselves should decide the load of their studies for their interests. All kinds of counseling should be given to help the children to choose their subjects.
• A student should also be allowed to change the subjects until a certain time period.
  
• Math and English should still be made a mandatory till 10th. The other 4 subjects can be chosen by the student. For example, a student aspiring to do in the Scientific field(By now th student must at least have an idea of what field he must take-Science, Commerce, Art, Athletics) he should select Biology, Physics and Chemistry as minimum load. Its the same thing that we select in 11th but I personally think this choice should be given to us much earlier on.
  
• If a student is diligent and has clear goals he can choose more specific subjects. For example, if a student wants to be a Geologist he can choose Geology, Physics and Chemistry or any alternate subject that would help him in his goal. This focus on subjects will prove to be very helpful.
  

• To make choices simple it should be given in this form to students:

1. Science: Physics, Chemistry and Subject Of Your Choice
2. Commerce: Business Studies, Economics and Subject Of Your Choice
3. Arts: All Subjects Your Choice
4. Athletics: Two subjects of their choice as safety net and one subject devoted to Sports

• The student according to his choice can pursue the subjects he loves the things he likes and prosper as he should.
• The student should still continue to have weekly once arts classes and sports sessions but it should not be now considered as a mandatory subject. If the student wants to still continue he/she can do that too by taking it up as an extra subject in his course.
• In Grade 11, the student must be given a deeper choice. If a student wants to be a doctor he can take up Physics, Chemistry and Biology. The student should now be allowed to drop Mathematics and English. The student can also opt to continue any subject he likes. But the maximum should not exceed 5.
  
• The school should help the students make the choice of subjects, career and hobbies from 1st Grade itself. The school should guide the students in the right path. And the right path is the path of interest and aspirations of the students.
  
• In this way a student can be trained in specific ways. Suppose you want to be go into the movie business. You take up arts in 9th grade. You select Dramatics, Literature/Creative Writing, Basics For Motion Picture Making/Photography etc. If intelligent you can take up an extra subject of Finance or Event Management. In 11th imagine you decide to be a Director you can take up Intermediate For Motion Picture Making and take other similar subjects. In this subjects you learn may include from Screenwriting and Directing through to Cinematography and Editing. So you learn what you need. Of course its your second subject can be your Safety Net. You can choose Literature. Of course instead of Literature you can choose Psychology, Fashion Designing etc. It depends on what you want your safety net to be.

• So you see you can choose your own subjects depending on what you want to do and what you want to be and what you want to achieve.
• All subjects must have field projects no matter what. There should be at least field projects per subject per year and should be included in marking scheme.
  
• And interactive learning should be encouraged. New technologies and techniques must be used.
  
• The teachers must be supervised from time to time.
• The schools infrastructure must be closely maintained.
• All the small courses like Religion, Moral etc should be allowed to continue.
  

Now, this is all I could think of at moment. From time to time I shall try to improve this blog. To bring it to a more organized format. For this is a subject close to my heart. I believe that the children if allowed to mold themselves the world will see a boom in novelty.There will be new creations, innovativeness, new technologies and unbelievable works of arts.

Free thinking, practical applications, personal interests with basic knowledge should be the base of an education system. This system will not only give responsible citizens but also more productive and much more happier citizens who love their work. The people who love their work obviously do better.

I do not know how many of you approve of this proposed system. I know that my writing this is not going to change anything now. But maybe someday a person in position may be able to change the system. Maybe that person is you. I know, far-fetched. But I cant help it. I am an ardent optimist. But still Impossible is Nothing...

F.E.A.R

No, no I am not going to write about the ever popular first person shooting game. Instead I am going to write about the very idea that has gripped the world since the dawn of civilization and has relentlessly stuck to our very hearts-FEAR.

"Be scared, be very scared." "Fear is your only salvation." Directly or indirectly these are the types of byline which have been etched into our minds since time forever. At first by nature, now by people themselves. Politicians, scientists, governments, religious leaders, you and me are all fear mongers. Our trade of fear is perhaps the most successful business ever!

Some of you may scorn and think-I am not scared. But before coming to any conclusion consider this that even the most bravest have fear-the fear of loosing courage. It is an inevitable emotion that will come to everyones mind in a lifetime. As a matter of fact it comes into our hearts numerous times in numerous occasions. But have you considered that some people use fear to control and suppress others? You may think and say-Yeah, sure. There are the Taliban, the criminals, the terrorists, tyrants and all such hideous anti social elements. But have you considered a more closer target, in a more subtle environment perpetrated by a more familiar face? You dont need to look further-face your mirror.

Let me explain. Humans at the beginning had nothing in their mind but to survive and proliferate. Their fears were confined to the ones that nature had bestowed upon them, fears like predators, lack of food and water, lack of shelter etc. It was a simple world. As soon as the first bouts of civilization started springing up new fears also started rising. How to maintain this organization, how to prevent catastrophes etc etc. Just as soon as civilization started rules and laws came into place. And as soon as rules and laws came onto place crime took its rightful place.

Crime. An age old practice which is in all sense an age old fear proprietor. We are all scared of criminals, murders, rapists etc etc. These people though a minority of 0.5% of worlds population have incessantly scared the rest of 95.5%. Why I ask is there such fear from such a minority? The first thing is we ourselves are scared to take any action, to get "involved". That I consider is the primary reason. Fear Lets Fear Rampage. The second I believe is the over exaggerated propaganda crime has received. The media, the leaders etc etc have spread it to the common man. And from one common man to another this fear spreads picking momentum as it moves from one mouth to another. Its just like an avalanche-ice displacing more ice-bringing only cold fear to all.

But have you considered that this fear might be used to control us? Yes, control. To keep out minds occupied. To prevents thoughts of revolution and rebellion. Now, now do not think that I am talking about the militants who take up violence, but of course in some cases even that point can be valid. But I am talking about free thinking and the rebellion of the mind and the intellect.
Consider this, when is the last time you remember when there was no "global threat"? When was the last time you on the news channel and you heard "Hey, no problem in the world today!"
I am not naive enough to hope that there can be no problem in the world. But I have definitely noticed that some problems have been blown out of the picture. Its like one world fear replaces another.

Let me give you an example, in the 1800's and 1900's the world was in a conquest for more colonies, more riches, more resources. There was fear of poverty, disease, famine-understandable. But then came World War I and II. And the fear was changed
to war, bombs, soldiers etc. Entire races were scared of other races. Countries scared of other countries. People in all were subjected. In some places their rights forfeited. In some cases their very thoughts stripped away. In this fear many people were made to unimaginable things. Soldiers shot their fellow men, pillaged and committed hideous crimes out of fear of being punished for treason, the civilians out of fear either rebutted or just got subjugated, the leaders either pushed on or surrendered. Free thinking was brought to a stand still. Dictators and tyrants ran rampant.To subdue radical ideas influential people, books etc were destroyed. This is the ultimate destruction of rights and free thinking.

After the World War, the world saw another war-The Cold War. This continued till 1991. And this was the ultimate Fear War. For there was no war but only a Fear Of War between US and the Soviet. In this environment the leaders were able to govern as they likes on both fronts. The people who could have come with radical ideas kept their minds occupied by who's going to bomb who? You may think-but this only deals with US and Soviet, what about the rest? You must understand that even though the World War had finished several subsidiary wars were going on. This fear of war is perhaps the best example I could give of the effect of fear. This period saw a rise of weapons of unimaginable capability of annihilation. This fear of war still grips us in the form of terrorism

In between, I'd also like to mention a war which has long been in discussion in world affairs-The Environmental War. It is true pollution has increased. It is true that there is an impact on the planet. But you will be surprised to find out there is no profound impact as such. Temperature might be increasing in one place but it decreases in others. Sea levels are not rising. We have no means of proving that there is a global impact of all the oddities we do. But then, why is there such a scare? On what basis did "The Day After Tomorrow" show the imminent end of the world? Well, my dear friends this is the best example I can give for the effect of media propaganda. By constantly etching it into our mind - GREENHOUSE EMISSIONS POLAR ICE CAP MELTING SEA LEVEL RISING NEW ICE AGE RAPID ENVIRONMENTAL CHANGES TSUNAMI EARTHQUAKE FLOODS. These words are constantly echoed by the media and provides fear a base in our hearts. Again our minds are pushed in the darkness of fear and our potentials curtailed by unnecessary worries. It is interesting to note that all major causes of fear are also major political issues.

Terrorism, war, environmental pollution, religious fanaticism etc are not only the major fear factors that has a global impact but are the major political issues in the world. It is interesting to see that each time any of these factors are propagated we see a new political tide. Whenever there is a major change in the events surrounding these factors there is also a major political change or crisis. Isnt it just convenient?

After belittling fear so much I in the end have to give it due credit for helping us in our survival. Yes, helping us in our survival. Because without fear there will be chaos, for the very nature of humans is volatile. We, if not controlled will surely wreak more destruction than a million hydrogen bombs. For many people it is the fear of punishment that keeps them out of the criminal activities. The fear of "What would the neighbors say?" that keeps us from committing hideous crimes. The fear of war and death that leads to diplomatic pacts. The fear of natures wrath that keeps out environmental exploits in check. The fear of god that makes us lead a pious life. For, without these measures of control the society we know will cease to exist. It can be rightly said FEAR is a necessary evil.

I conclude this blog by mentioning about the fear that we should truly try to conquer, the one that will allow our minds to wander free, that will allow our creativity to flow, the one that will allow us to bestow our gifts to the world, the one that will liberate us from the darkness and bring us to light. This is our personal fear. This can be of many types and varies from people to people. It can be anything from the fear of failure to fear of death. I do not want to elaborate into the types of fear as such as it is of personal nature. All I can say is to rise above these fears and face them with courage. Never take counsel of your fears.

Brave New World

Finally we have entered into the new year. The world itself has seen many changes in the past year. The Lebanon-Israel war, N.Korea and Iran's nuclear interests, the abysmal Iraq war and its "Rethinking", the democrats took control of US, US immigration reforms, the Katrina frauds, the stock frauds, the end of Enron frauds, the Darfur Genocide, Zidane's Headbutt, Italy's victory, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes get married and have kids(Seriously, the things people consider as news!), the cartoon chaos that rocked the Muslim world, the changing of media landscape and to top it all up the Death Of The Dictator-Saddam Hussein.

These are just the news that rocked the world. There a million gazillion things that happened to you and me and the people in general that changed ours and their lives. It was a staggering year and it has come to an end. As we enter the beginning of 2007 my only hope is that we learn from our mistakes and move on. I am going to write about something that has forever changed our landscape-The Rise Of Internet and Globalization.

Now every person can become a journalist, a rock star, an actor, a play write, an author, almost anything under the sun. Though you cant show off your talents in the mainstream level but still there are millions of eyes watching you! You can post your views for the world to see in blogs, you can post your own song and maintain a fan database in myspace.com, you can post your videos in youtube.com, you can write and publish your book even in paperback and hardcover and sell it independently, you can sell almost anything from your underwear to your house through the internet. You are the king of your own world ruling from your living room.

Some artists got mainstream breaks through this personal propaganda like the Arctic Monkeys, they really took off from myspace.com. They had a huge fan base and were signed a record deal. Many authors got a book break through their blogs. A guy actually got a show in MTV through his videos supplied in youtube! The trend of entertainment is changing, the underdogs and the undergrounds are beginning to rise. This trend is just not confined to entertainment. Even the landscape of news reporting is changing. Young amateurs armed with nothing more than pens, notepads, digicams and recorders hunt down fabulous stories and post it up for the world to see. No more are we dependent only on CNN, BBC for our daily scoop. Actually many of the news channels have been taking news from these obscure sources! It is truly the age of individuals.

At first during the 1900's it was a world of states and colonies. Globalization had reached its heights, migration was at an all time high, trade was prosperous, industrialization was booming. It was all good until the Great War began. It brought all the development to a stand still. Thousands were killed and millions were left homeless. The Great War had brought widespread destruction. But, this was hardly anything compared to the Second World War. This war devoured 6.5 million people and leaving yet more millions in despotism. This was an epoch of chaos, its darkness engulfing the world. Everyone was affected one way or another. It took a long time for the world to recuperate. Many are still recovering from the terrible war.

After the 1950's the worlds trade, economy began to improve slightly. The landscape was again changing, it was becoming a world of companies. Now, companies were competing from all around the world. It was a race to the finish. This time saw rise of multinationals, huge industries and gargantuan economies.

This landscape again saw a major development in 1990's with the breaking of the Berlin Wall. The World was soon to become flat. Globalization was at full speed now and it was speeding up even more. China and India were rapidly becoming the new production centers of the world. The underdeveloped nations were soon going to become the hotspots of all industralization. It is interesting to see that around the same time the internet was gripping the world and plunging it deeper in the depth of globalization. It was making the world more flat. It was literally ironing the world flat!

The end of 1990's and beginning of 2000's saw yet another major upheaval. The world was becoming a battle ground of individuals from all corners of the world. These individuals were using the tools of globalization and internet to make their presence felt in the world. It was becoming a huge competitive global market where individuals could compete even with the giant multinationals.

Communication systems, transport, industries etc were undergoing rapid technological advancements. Everything was becoming faster, more efficient and much more cheaper. Such advancements allowed dislocation of raw materials, manufactured goods and services much easier. Now is the age of outsourcing, off-shoring, in-sourcing, importing, exporting, global supply chains and most importantly informing. All these activities are rapidly changing the face of the modern world. Goods and services are much cheaper and far more efficient.

Through outsourcing companies can speed up their tedious back office work by passing on the monotonous works to far off countries and get back the finished work. This not only saves time but also money. The cost of maintaining one person for such kind of work in a developed country like US is five times the cost of maintaining the same kind of person doing the same kind of work in a developing country like India. This back office work can range from software development to accounts to telemarketing. A call you make to the call center upon losing your luggage in NYC may be transferred directly to Bangalore and you are most probably talking to a young Indian girl with an improvised American accent!!!

In off-shoring you are just reducing your manufacturing costs. You are just taking your building machine to a place where labor and resources are cheaper. And we all know where the worlds building center has come up-China. Through amazing communication systems provided by internet every activity can be tracked by the main office while sitting a 1000 miles away.

Insourcing is the practice of calling in an outside company take over a part of your enterprise that isn't part of your core competency. In other you are saying "Dude, I am not good at this. Do this for me and take the cut so I can concentrate on what I am really good at." You are taking off your work load.

Global Supply Chain, now this is interesting. The satellites integrated with efficient manufacturing plants and a state of the art transport system makes global supply chain. Let me give you an example, imagine I order a Dell system. The motherboard might be from Korea, the RAM from China, the CD-Drive from Taiwan and ultimately all of it might be assembled somewhere in Vietnam and finally delivered to my doorstep in Singapore. Only a highly efficient supply system with an amazingly accurate tracking system can give such efficiency.

Informing as the name suggests brings all these innovations on a plane ground and makes it available to everyone around the world. In this media and internet are the informants. Google, Amazon, CNN, BBC etc are the big players who integrate this system intermittently into a perpetually dynamic machine constantly working towards making the world more small.

I have just briefly mentioned about the changing landscape. If you want a greater insight you can read The World Is Flat-Thomas L.Friedman. This blog is inspired from the book. I've only included things that really had more of a profound impact. The book dwells deeper into the field of globalization and current situation of economics. Its in layman's terms so no one would find it difficult. Maybe boring for some but definitely not difficult.

So my comrades welcome to 2007, to a Brave New World where with the right brains and hard work and gods grace you can match up to the world. Its the age of individuals-its YOUR time.
Rise up, take the challenge, make a difference. Its not too difficult but it aint too easy either. With a positive outlook and a prayer in your mind embark on your journey to fulfill your destiny, to live your dream, to be the person you want to be.

2006:An Overview

We have reached the end of the year. And what a year it has been! Full of surprises and life changing experiences. I am sure everyone has had at least one experience that must have changed their course of life. This is a piece of written work I am going to have no pleasure in writing. For, this involves my experiences in this year. And one thing I hate writing about is my troubles. And frankly, this year was undoubtedly on of the most turbulent years I've ever had. I shall try to make it as brief as possible.

The year began with a realization that the board exams were just a mere two months away. Now, those of you who know me also know of my particular characteristic of "not studying" and "sleeping" almost whenever deep studies are involved. I just could not help it. Studies just did not intrigue me. It did not interest me so I did not bother. Then February came, and came the first signs of my inevitable state. I began to fall sick, vomiting, nausea, cramps etc. Nothing too serious but still disturbing. The visits to the doctor brought no avail. Then in March the board exams started, the first three were fairly uneventful. The last two were equally hellish. I was sick for most of the study holidays. By gods grace the day before exams and exam days I felt better and somehow covered up. It was the first time I truly regretted my "no study" policy. The exam finally finished on March 17. Next three days were blissful. On the fourth I was admitted in the hospital. On the fifth my world was turned upside down. On sixth I was in India.

My sickness during exam was considered "exam fear". For those who truly know me would say "bullcrap", just as I did. But, when my sickness did not go away even after the exam, my parents were inclined to take me to the hospital. It was late and after subsequent blood tests I was allowed to sleep. On next day I found out I had renal failure. In layman's term my kidneys had stopped working or were in the process. My parents took the decision of going to India for further treatment. And I was on the next plane to Mumbai.

How this happened I do not know. To cut a long story short. It might have been a slow process which might have started a long time back but suddenly for some reason the process sped up. Again, no idea. It could have also been an infection. The doctors had no idea of the source.

In India, the tests began. Heavy medicines were given-steroids, immunosuppressents and a range of other covering medicines. After which I was set up for a particularly distasteful procedure of Kidney Biopsy. Fat as I was my kidneys were deeper than normal range, so the biopsy was particularly difficult. In Biopsy a long needle gun is put through your back "Plop" and the end reaches the kidney and with one gun shot sound a small sample of kidney tissue is removed and the needle is removed "Plop" again. Well, it does not make the plop sound. But it makes the whole thing more bearable. After examination of those tissues I knew the name of the disease. It was a triumph of science but I could not care less nor would you as the treatment was still the same. Its name was Rapidly Progressive Glomerular Nephritis or RPGN. And it was eating away both my kidneys. What this thing does is pushes your immune system to purge your kidney. In essence your body is your kidneys enemy. So, they give the immunosuppressents. Its called an auto-immune disorder. A minor surgery was performed in my hand to prepare me for dialysis(a process of purification of blood by passing it through a machine) "in case" my kidneys failed. A shunt was made on my wrist to increase the rate of blood flow. You are awake in the operation and its 45 minutes long. Using local anesthesia an artery and a vein is joined. Its not fun, but it is not that bad.

The hospital food was dreadful and the whole kidney problem had totally deteriorated my taste buds owing to high toxicity in my body. Plus my diet was highly restricted. No salt, no chili, less oil, no saturated fats, no fruits and selected vegetables. This was truly a hellish time, for I cherish food. I relish its every bite. Every taste brings a sensation that cannot be described in words. A day before my birthday I was discharged and my treatment was to be continued at home. My birthday was a flowery one. I was showered with bouquets so you must understand my "excitement". So passed my highly ironic "uneventful" 18th birthday.

The medicines greatly decreased my immunity and I immediately caught Cholitis. It was not at all fun. Diarrhea with a lot of pain. And I was back in hospital in less than four days. But in the process my shunt failed and new one had to be put. That was done too. In a matter of a week I was discharged and I moved to a flat at beach side on 5th floor in Mumbai, where the treatment was continued for the next one month. Bought a computer, but had lost interest. Bought some books, but did not read them. The medicines were showing their side effects. Not pretty. The food was still as bad as it could get but better than hospital. Since there was no improvement, the course of medicines was changed. And for one more month I was given a different set of the same medicines. In other words I was given Milka instead of Dairy Milk. By now it was May something. I had acquired a nasty cough. It persisted. By May 19 my kidneys deteriorated and I was admitted to hospital. A different one this time. By now my sputum had blood. A new problem had come up.

By now the doctor felt it was time to start dialysis. My shunt had not developed that well but still it was thought to be "workable". In dialysis 2 needles are inserted in your hand one to take blood and pass through the machine and other to bring it back. I thought "Well, things cant get worse" but just as in movies when stuff like this is said things do get worse. In dialysis the needle went out of the vein and spread blood under my tissues leading to haematoma which gave my hand a black color from elbow to shoulder. So, now the shunt though still working was essentially useless.

At this same time, the doctor had another worry, that of my lungs. Obviously, blood in sputum was not a good sign. On the third day the doctor shared his suspicions, that the lung problem might be an auto-immune disorder. My first reaction was "Okay! Now Its goodbye!". Think about it. Kidneys gone, lungs going. Who you going to bet on?

The treatment was started. Higher dosage of medicines. And plasmapheresis- a process of removing all antibodies during dialysis. Now, since the shunt was useless they had to put a catheter in my thigh vein. Again, not a fun process. But, my condition seemed to get worse. Now, the doctor was confused. Blood works were done for all possibilities-fungus, protozoa, bacteria-you name it. All tests were inconclusive. It had been almost 10 days. And my condition was not improving. So he started his trail and error. You must understand, if this was indeed auto immune there was no problem the immunosuppressents could cure it. But, if it is not the auto immune medicines were killing me. Because without immunity my body was an open invitation for the infections. So, the doctor was giving a balanced "diet" of medicines. By 20 days I was declared "critical". I was as close to death as I could get. But I was not informed of it then. For which I have ambivalent feelings. Then the doctor upon the advice of one of the best lung surgeons did a bronchoscopy. One of the most uncomfortable procedures you can go through. And it was found it was a virus-CMV. It had attacked my lungs. So, medicines were started and I was up and moving in a week. A lot of other tests were carried out to find out if the CMV had affected any other parts. They were again not so comfortable. Luckily, I did not have any more problems. I was in the hospital for a month. My young age saved me. Had I been 40 or older. Well, you definitely would not be reading this. And finally, discharged, I returned home by June 23.

By now, my hand was not that black and was turning a shade of red. And my shunt could be used. Now, there was no chance for the kidneys. It was irreversible. Dialysis was to be done 3 times a week 4 hours at a stretch. Transplant was inevitable. After a month, I went to Singapore to consult with a doctor. It was decided that we would get the transplant done in Singapore. And his advice was to wait for 2 months for my body to recuperate from the infection. So the next 2 months the search for a suitable donor began. First, among close family members and then a bit far off ones. My mum and dad were not suitable. Luckily my long distance uncle was a good match and he agreed to give me his kidney. For which I'll be ever grateful.

The only good thing about dialysis was that the medicines were stopped and I felt better. I could eat at least normal food. During early times Mihir, one my best friend, used to come, until his college started. I was thankful for that. Then, my cousin Rishit used to come. I am again indebted. Also Shannik,another one of my good friends used to come even though she had college. I thank them all for giving me company for those four hours. Sometimes my uncles, other cousins used to come. I thank them too. Chirag, my cousin used to spend the nights when I was in the hospital and again all I can say is thanks. I thank all of you guys for supporting me through this problem.

Somewhere, in between, for a break I had gone to Dubai. There Jeffrey, another one of my best friend, used to accompany me to dialysis. In all, all these people made the time easier to pass by. It is truly amazing that in times of distress people matter the most. Also, during the time of distress God is your only hope of salvation. It is during this period that I stumbled upon the power of prayer. My breath is the proof of this.

After coming back from Dubai in a month or two I was off to Singapore with my mum, dad, aunt and uncle. These are the people I am thankful for most. For they have been with me since the beginning. Even before leaving there was a small scare. I contracted a viral fever. But that passed. I reached Singapore on October 24. On November 3 I had my operation. By November 17 I was discharged. By December 1st week I was fit as ever. I am still in Singapore. My after transplant medicines are being adjusted constantly. They are for life time. So a nice balance needs to be maintained before I go back to Dubai. So, I am here till February mid. Exactly a year would have passed when I reach Dubai.

Now, I am doing fine. Exercising an hour a day. Reading. And passing time away as I want to. This was my year of 2006. Not a great one. But still truly life changing. And a lot of things were learned. Things that school does not teach you. Things which are invaluable. Its true what they say, the real world is truly different. Now its the end of the year and I can say quite enthusiastically "I am doing great!".

I hope you are not as bored as I am. Its truly boring to read about someone else's problems. If this year had turned out differently I would have been writing about college, parties, new friends, career etc etc. It would have been a more fun read. And I would also enjoy writing it. But fate has its own wicked games, does'nt it? All we can do is face it and move on. Thats what I did. Thats what I am doing. And thats what I'll do next year.